Walk by faith, not sight

There I was. Sitting in my car. In my driveway. Bawling. I lost all faith at that point. I turned off my car.

I don't really remember turning my car back on. I certainly don't remember changing the radio station to KLove and then turning the volume up. I do remember what happened next though.

The words

"Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see Well because this broken road 

Prepares Your will for me 

Help me to win my endless fears 

You've been so faithful for all my years 

With one breath You make me new Your grace covers all I do..."

hit me like a ton of bricks. 

How many times in life are things going beyond good? You're on top of the world and feeling blessed as could be, and then all of a sudden, a wild dilemma smacks you in the face. Yeah, it's easy to praise God when things rock, but call me when you're thanking Him for the bad things. 

Why is that so? Why can we thank God and trust God and praise God when things are totally tubular, but the moment things digress, we curse Him and ask Him, "WHY ME!?!?" Uh... What makes you so special that God can't test you and see if you praise Him in the storm. The next time you think about asking, "Why me?" try asking "Why NOT me?" I can promise you that this is something God has been dealing with me on so much. I have lost faith about a gazillion times in the past 7 months (or 17 years, same difference), but every time I think about saying "GOD, WHY ME?" He punches me with those words and makes me feel selfish because, there I go again, ye with little faith. I try to test God, I put Him in a box. I say, "Well this is what He's capable of, so I might as well give up now." Y'all, He literally invented you. He's capable of anything He wants to be capable of. He knows what He's doing. So, I'm reassuring you (and myself) when I say, chill the heck out and let God do His thang.

Peace and love, y'all

Plans

We all know the bible verse Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,'” declares the LORD, “'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Have you ever really read it though? Like, look at it closer. Does it say "'For Johnny knows the plan Johnny has for you,' declares Johnny." Uh.... no.

I think people, especially a worry wort like me, tend to lean on their own understanding about.. well.. everything. For instance, I've been FUH-REAKING OUT about college. I can't make a decision to save my life (refer to yesterday's post). But I guess what I've been concluding is that it isn't my decision to make in the first place!

Every day we wake up and we're faced with decisions. Like, what to eat for breakfast... and what college we're going to. God allows us to make the decisions on our own if we want to take the harder route, but let's be for real, no one wants that. This is something I've struggled with so much lately. I know how I want things to be now. But my timing surely isn't God's timing. I know how I want things to be, who I want to be included in my life, but God puts people and things in your life for seasons. It doesn't mean that they are supposed to be there forever, just to teach the lesson and then move on. Everything, seasonal or not, is all apart of God's plans. That's a hard lesson to learn, but trust me when I say it's a lesson worth learning.

To sum it up, just take my word for it: Let your plans become GOD'S plans. God wants so much for you, but you have to take a step back and allow God to do His thaaang. I promise you it'll be worth it in the long run.

Seen too much, know too little

Since this is my 3rd blog, I should probably have gotten used to the whole "introducing myself" aspect of the first post.... Key word: Probably. My life summed up: I've been to a few high schools, lived in a few states, lost my super cool dad when I was 14, and currently, I live In North Louisiana with my best friend Katie and her family. My AWESOME momma and (step, but he's my)dad live in California and I visit them as often as possible. I'm back here to get a good education, go to a good college, and one day help little kids speak correctly. Oh and I flippin' love the homeless. I have no complaints about my life, and honestly, the hardest thing about my life is the fact that I've seen too much and know too little.

I wake up. I go to school. I go to bed. That's my routine. Everything about my day, my life actually, is so repetitive. I do the same thing every day. My life is by NO MEANS interesting. So, I spice it up by being too dramatic, driving too fast, making my (awesome amazing best friend and) room mate bananers, and dreaming of the day when I'll see the world and learn everything ever. I also live a little by being the most indecisive person you'll ever meet. When I want something, I WANT IT SO BAD... for a month or so. Then I move on and then, once again, it'll come back in a few months (Like, 80's fads... I'm still praying for the day that scrunchies come back). I can't make a decision to save my life. But, lately, the only decision I know for sure, is that my life pretty much sorta kinda revolves around an awesome, wonderful, life-changing man.

His name is Jesus. He's pretty popular. He's been a trending topic on twitter #imluckyright? He has changed my life by GIVING me life. He's the best boyfriend and the best valentine I'll ever find! You see, I'm young. I've messed up a few good relationships of mine. I've been the worst girlfriend. Sometimes I didn't call or text back. Sometimes I yelled. Sometimes I started fights. Sometimes I blamed my boyfriend for the things I obviously did. But the crazy thing is, Jesus always calls me first. Jesus always calms my spirit. Jesus always holds me when I yell. And he TOOK the blame SO MUCH that he bled on the cross for me! Some boyfriend, right? #youjeal? Well you shouldn't be! Because the best thing about Jesus is that I'm not really selfish about him. IN FACT! I want Him to be your groom too! He didn't just bleed for me, He bled for you, too. 

I know I sounded a little crazy, but seriously, don't get me started about Jesus or I might not shut up. It boggles my mind sometimes that I can curse and get mad, but Jesus is like, "No, it's cool. I forgive you!" when I apologize. Have you ever TRULY thought about Jesus? Like, He gives us so much and we return so little! This summer, I'm going to Africa to tell the southern hemisphere about that man that brings me SO MUCH! I don't have the right to tell them about such a righteous man, but Jesus called me! 5 foot 1, 17 year old, high schoolin', no nothin', me! I'm blessed that I get to see the world and spread His name all at the same time.

I'm human. Like you. I've said bad words. I've listened to the bad music. I've hurt people. I've been selfish. I'm a dirty, rotten sinner. So, if you're a nonbeliever reading this, please know that my current goal in this cold, hypocritical world is to NEVER be the reason you aren't "one of those christians." This is my new contract that I'm going to strive every day of my life to never be the judgmental, in-your-face christian. What I can't promise you is that I won't brag about God and Jesus. It's not me trying to shove my beliefs down your throat. Because just like you love and defend your momma, I love my Daddy. 

I guess I summed up everything that needed to be said this first post. I can't give all my secrets the first post! The last thing is why my blog is called what it's called. Esther was pretty much, like, the coolest woman ever. She was beautiful, strong, and she loved the Lord. But above all of her traits, she was courageous.  In Esther 4:16, Esther says "If I perish, I perish."She was like, "Look. If I die, I die. What happens, happens." Ballsy, right!? I think everyone should have that mentality. Love Jesus. Love life. Live with no fear because... yeah... go ahead... fill in the blanks.... 

If you perish, you perish.