Dear future husband,

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Like, whether or not I know you. If I do know you, I'm already sorry for my obnoxious laugh and my far from subtle obsession with Africa. If I don't know you, you really don't know what you're getting yourself into.

Thank you for accepting my flaws. Thank you for letting me worship Jesus whenever I want. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for making me a better person and for letting me help you, too. You might be thinking, "How does this girl know that's how I am already?" It's because that, in my mind, is a true man of God. I don't want a christian, I want a straight up man after God's own heart. That's what you are. I can feel it.

I pray for you every day. I pray for your day and the people that you're encountering. I usually just pray that you aren't going through whatever crap I'm dealing with that day. I pray for your long, happy life. With me. Holllla.

God has such wonderful things in store for you... and I'm not just talking about me (holllla again). We're going to live such a wonderful, God-centered life. The thought of that just excites me so much. The thought that you're out there, living your life, boggles my mind. The thought that I was made for you and you were made for me is such trippy thing to me. But, although I'm only 17, I know you're somewhere and I'm perfectly content with you making your appearance whenever God tells you to.

Until that day, though, I just want you to know you don't have to worry about me cheating on you anymore than I might have already. I will wait for you. Because I was created for you, and vice versa. I think I finally understand the true meaning of purity and how important it is in a successful marriage. I've seen countless divorces in my family, most of which started in impurity. That won't happen to us. Trust me. I'm a doctor.

I mean, not really, but maybe one day. I AM only 17, you know.

 Please exclude my excessive tweets, my tendency to tell you my favorite baby names,  and how happy I get whenever I get an ICEE in my possession. And I'll be sure to excuse you leaving your dirty socks around the house... Okay, probably not. We'll compromise somewhere though.

Can't wait to meet you, boo thang.

Love,
Jessie __________ (insert your last name here)

I am restless

This morning, I woke up a little early so I could read Proverbs 31 again. During World History (my favorite class), I wished and daydreamed about Lunch in the Street with The Hub and how I ached to be splittin' a quesadilla with Smokey, rather than learning about the Napoleonic Code. After school, I took the long way home so I could jam to Hillsong a bit longer. All around me, I see my life changing for the better. And I l-o-v-e it.

I was never a bad kid. I mean, I probably told too many inappropriate jokes my sophomore year, I speed way too much... and then there was that Shwayze/Mac Miller phase I went through. But I mean, I was never a part of the "bad" crowd. I didn't give my momma too much trouble, unless we're talking my sass. But I never snuck out. I never rebelled. And in my book, that made me pretty righteous. I mean, Ima virgin. You're not. I obviously win. Right? Wrong.

God sees SO MUCH MORE than what meets the eye. God has been showing me this over and over and over. Whether it be with the beautiful homeless men, women, and children in my city or my beautiful new friends I've been meeting. Sometimes, it takes a Jesus PUNCH (say like Captain Falcon's Falcon PUNCH) to make me realize that even the filthiest, dirtiest sinners are redeemed when asked. But, when I believe I'm living this sinless life, I'm really as filthy as I think they are. I feel no remorse for my sins if I truly believe I lack much sin. And this... could be an issue.

I challenged myself to pay more attention to my 'tude, my sass, my mouth in general. I challenged myself to keep my pride in check, my self-worth in check, myself, in general, in check! Y'all, the results were frightening. Ever since that day, I have grown so restless. I believe it's because I now know that everyone has room to grow. Every one of us has more room to fill with Jesus. And the best part, for us that have gone through too much in our short lives, is that the bigger the void, the bigger the gap, the bigger the Jesus. I remember the day I realized this. It was during 318 Live. I fell to my knees in thankfulness. I fell to my knees and embraced the fact that my filthiest, that I once thought was righteousness, could be washed clean by only the blood of Jesus. I realized that the emptiness I had been filling with self-loathing, could now be filled with the love and compassion of my Savior. I left that building with a new outlook.

Since that day, a few months ago, I have grown in so many ways (except height). My love for the unloved has reached new heights. My longing to know God has become inescapable. My yearning to bring the people I love in to know God has become almost unbearable. My burdens are heavy for Kenya, sex slaves, and my homeless neighbors. Thank God that Jesus' yoke is sweet and HIS burden is light (Matthew 11:30). Thank God for Him. S/O to the fact that He's commissioned me and my beautiful, Christ following friends to do His will. Thank God for the courage He's given us, the strength He's given us, and the fearlessness He's given us.

Thank you, God. I'm not tryin' to go all award ceremony on You, but I couldn't do it without You.

Just trust me on this one

I have an undeniable, yearning passion to know God. Maybe it's the fact that I'm getting older. Maybe it's that fact that I'm learning life can no longer be taken for granted. I'm not sure what it is exactly, all I know is that it's a fire I can't put out with Sunday morning hymns.

It's taken me nearly 18 years to figure out my calling. I mean, I guess in the long run, that isn't long. But, I have no doubt in my mind that helping those who can't help themselves is what I'm meant to do. Every day of my life, my God is clearing out the GARBAGE that has been cluttering my life and putting more and more love in my heart for the sex slaves, Africa, and the homeless right here in my city. My heart is on fire for them. I didn't do that myself, y'all. I couldn't do this myself. This passion, this desire, isn't even earthly. It's the most spiritual thing I've ever felt. It's all Him. Every bit of it.

I know I have to sacrifice what I wanted. I might not be able to get the picket fenced house I dreamt of, but if it means my mansion in heaven, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. If it means the lack of diamonds, at least my treasure in chest in heaven will be overflowing. Every day I wake up and challenge myself not to be a christian, but to be a young woman after God's own heart! 

.....And, y'all, that is literally the hardest thing ever. People watch you. People think you watch them, when in reality, you just want a Starbucks white chocolate cappuccino and you happen to be jammin' Gunger while you do it. And by you, I mean me. Cause that's all I want, every day. People want you to mess up, strange as it seems. All I know is that by the grace of God, I'm not hated. Yet. I think. But I'm still young. Maybe I'll be hated someday. A girl can only dream.

Back to the point. I'm at a point in my life where I'm willing to risk it all, all of it, to do what God has called me to do. At the beginning, when I realized this is what He was hinting at, He gave me SUCH small tasks. I felt this was Him telling me that I'm meant to accomplish many small things, nothing spectacular. Boy, was I wrong as fudge. Here I am, spiritually prepping myself for the trip of my life to AFRICA, while I'm selling bracelets to RESCUE 1 woman from sex trafficking, while interning at the greatest (a little biased) non-profit homeless organization in the state, possibly the galaxy. He was getting my heart ready for the big things He had for me. You see, He saw the big picture. I only saw a TINY part of what He wanted for me. If it's taught me anything, I've learned to let go of every thing you thought your life would be. Not because you're giving up on what you wanted, but because the plans the Lord have for you are SO much greater than anything you could ever fathom. Pretend I'm not 17 and saying that. Pretend, for a fraction of a second, that I'm someone who knows that they're talking about. Because, for once, I really do know this is true.

God has great plans for you. For me. For us. Let go. Let God.

Have a good weekend.

Oh and ask me how you can Rescue 1 woman chained to sex slavery by buying one of these fancy bracelets for $5.

Love, Jess

Walk by faith, not sight

There I was. Sitting in my car. In my driveway. Bawling. I lost all faith at that point. I turned off my car.

I don't really remember turning my car back on. I certainly don't remember changing the radio station to KLove and then turning the volume up. I do remember what happened next though.

The words

"Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see Well because this broken road 

Prepares Your will for me 

Help me to win my endless fears 

You've been so faithful for all my years 

With one breath You make me new Your grace covers all I do..."

hit me like a ton of bricks. 

How many times in life are things going beyond good? You're on top of the world and feeling blessed as could be, and then all of a sudden, a wild dilemma smacks you in the face. Yeah, it's easy to praise God when things rock, but call me when you're thanking Him for the bad things. 

Why is that so? Why can we thank God and trust God and praise God when things are totally tubular, but the moment things digress, we curse Him and ask Him, "WHY ME!?!?" Uh... What makes you so special that God can't test you and see if you praise Him in the storm. The next time you think about asking, "Why me?" try asking "Why NOT me?" I can promise you that this is something God has been dealing with me on so much. I have lost faith about a gazillion times in the past 7 months (or 17 years, same difference), but every time I think about saying "GOD, WHY ME?" He punches me with those words and makes me feel selfish because, there I go again, ye with little faith. I try to test God, I put Him in a box. I say, "Well this is what He's capable of, so I might as well give up now." Y'all, He literally invented you. He's capable of anything He wants to be capable of. He knows what He's doing. So, I'm reassuring you (and myself) when I say, chill the heck out and let God do His thang.

Peace and love, y'all

Plans

We all know the bible verse Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,'” declares the LORD, “'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Have you ever really read it though? Like, look at it closer. Does it say "'For Johnny knows the plan Johnny has for you,' declares Johnny." Uh.... no.

I think people, especially a worry wort like me, tend to lean on their own understanding about.. well.. everything. For instance, I've been FUH-REAKING OUT about college. I can't make a decision to save my life (refer to yesterday's post). But I guess what I've been concluding is that it isn't my decision to make in the first place!

Every day we wake up and we're faced with decisions. Like, what to eat for breakfast... and what college we're going to. God allows us to make the decisions on our own if we want to take the harder route, but let's be for real, no one wants that. This is something I've struggled with so much lately. I know how I want things to be now. But my timing surely isn't God's timing. I know how I want things to be, who I want to be included in my life, but God puts people and things in your life for seasons. It doesn't mean that they are supposed to be there forever, just to teach the lesson and then move on. Everything, seasonal or not, is all apart of God's plans. That's a hard lesson to learn, but trust me when I say it's a lesson worth learning.

To sum it up, just take my word for it: Let your plans become GOD'S plans. God wants so much for you, but you have to take a step back and allow God to do His thaaang. I promise you it'll be worth it in the long run.

Seen too much, know too little

Since this is my 3rd blog, I should probably have gotten used to the whole "introducing myself" aspect of the first post.... Key word: Probably. My life summed up: I've been to a few high schools, lived in a few states, lost my super cool dad when I was 14, and currently, I live In North Louisiana with my best friend Katie and her family. My AWESOME momma and (step, but he's my)dad live in California and I visit them as often as possible. I'm back here to get a good education, go to a good college, and one day help little kids speak correctly. Oh and I flippin' love the homeless. I have no complaints about my life, and honestly, the hardest thing about my life is the fact that I've seen too much and know too little.

I wake up. I go to school. I go to bed. That's my routine. Everything about my day, my life actually, is so repetitive. I do the same thing every day. My life is by NO MEANS interesting. So, I spice it up by being too dramatic, driving too fast, making my (awesome amazing best friend and) room mate bananers, and dreaming of the day when I'll see the world and learn everything ever. I also live a little by being the most indecisive person you'll ever meet. When I want something, I WANT IT SO BAD... for a month or so. Then I move on and then, once again, it'll come back in a few months (Like, 80's fads... I'm still praying for the day that scrunchies come back). I can't make a decision to save my life. But, lately, the only decision I know for sure, is that my life pretty much sorta kinda revolves around an awesome, wonderful, life-changing man.

His name is Jesus. He's pretty popular. He's been a trending topic on twitter #imluckyright? He has changed my life by GIVING me life. He's the best boyfriend and the best valentine I'll ever find! You see, I'm young. I've messed up a few good relationships of mine. I've been the worst girlfriend. Sometimes I didn't call or text back. Sometimes I yelled. Sometimes I started fights. Sometimes I blamed my boyfriend for the things I obviously did. But the crazy thing is, Jesus always calls me first. Jesus always calms my spirit. Jesus always holds me when I yell. And he TOOK the blame SO MUCH that he bled on the cross for me! Some boyfriend, right? #youjeal? Well you shouldn't be! Because the best thing about Jesus is that I'm not really selfish about him. IN FACT! I want Him to be your groom too! He didn't just bleed for me, He bled for you, too. 

I know I sounded a little crazy, but seriously, don't get me started about Jesus or I might not shut up. It boggles my mind sometimes that I can curse and get mad, but Jesus is like, "No, it's cool. I forgive you!" when I apologize. Have you ever TRULY thought about Jesus? Like, He gives us so much and we return so little! This summer, I'm going to Africa to tell the southern hemisphere about that man that brings me SO MUCH! I don't have the right to tell them about such a righteous man, but Jesus called me! 5 foot 1, 17 year old, high schoolin', no nothin', me! I'm blessed that I get to see the world and spread His name all at the same time.

I'm human. Like you. I've said bad words. I've listened to the bad music. I've hurt people. I've been selfish. I'm a dirty, rotten sinner. So, if you're a nonbeliever reading this, please know that my current goal in this cold, hypocritical world is to NEVER be the reason you aren't "one of those christians." This is my new contract that I'm going to strive every day of my life to never be the judgmental, in-your-face christian. What I can't promise you is that I won't brag about God and Jesus. It's not me trying to shove my beliefs down your throat. Because just like you love and defend your momma, I love my Daddy. 

I guess I summed up everything that needed to be said this first post. I can't give all my secrets the first post! The last thing is why my blog is called what it's called. Esther was pretty much, like, the coolest woman ever. She was beautiful, strong, and she loved the Lord. But above all of her traits, she was courageous.  In Esther 4:16, Esther says "If I perish, I perish."She was like, "Look. If I die, I die. What happens, happens." Ballsy, right!? I think everyone should have that mentality. Love Jesus. Love life. Live with no fear because... yeah... go ahead... fill in the blanks.... 

If you perish, you perish.